In Kinship

“Exclusion is derived from fear, ignorance, and power, whilst inclusion is derived from love, compassion, and respect.” — Michelle Emson

In anthropology, kinship is the web of social relationships that form an important part of the lives of all humans in all societies. When I think about good leadership, I like to think that it has a recognition of kinship. Perhaps the invisible threads that connect us to each other are in the ways we relate with each other and how that sets the tone for how we are together. In that light, being a better human to become better leaders is the task du jour. 

The ways in which we relate to each other are the web that brings us together or apart. How we are able to be with each other is one way that we create and feel that web of basic kinship. This requires a lot of self-awareness, as much as relational awareness. We know all too well those communications that fall short or make us feel unheard. And, we also know the relationships that make us feel seen, heard. When our defenses are in check, our communication is a bridge to each other. 

Being a better human in relationship means learning a lot about ourselves and learning how to be with others–knowing that we’re all in a process of self-awareness (or not). For example, how we own what’s ours, how we communicate, how we sit with another’s pain or anger, what we do when defenses are up, how well we listen, how we share joy and appreciation, and how we come to understand another’s experience without abandoning our own. It pays to be incessantly curious about what’s happening for you, and what’s happening for someone else. It also pays dividends to know who you are, deeply, and ever-deeper still, so that you can hold your space when relating proves challenging. 

In this episode of the Reboot Podcast, Jerry talks with Dr. Nicole Ortiz, Director of Leadership and Belonging at the Denver Zoo. They talk about what it meant for her to take this role and her vision to create a culture and experience in which every encounter with a colleague or visitor felt like a curious, open-hearted meeting between beings. When we meet folks from that place inside of us and lean into what it means to be a better human. 

One of the questions we muse on here at Reboot HQ is: What is it to lead from a place of love vs. a place of fear? After posing that question at an offsite, after a long pause, one of our clients said: “It’s so much harder to lead with love.”

The first step of leadership requires personal growth and learning a more functional way to be in the world, with each other, and with ourselves. It’s an inside job. This is how better humans make better leaders. We meet the challenges of life (and our jobs) with the skills we have and what we’ve learned about our way of being. 

“The biggest impediment to humane workplaces is the unsorted baggage we carry, the wounds we have,” Jerry noted to me over dinner a while back. “We fear that our past negative experiences (from work or otherwise) will be re-enacted. We’re therefore too afraid—too afraid to trust.” When we let those negative experiences cloud our present sense of things, we start defending against them in ways ruled by fear and acting out on others.

Fear-based leadership usually occurs when we are acting from a place of contraction, often in the form of defensive behavior (because defending is what humans do when they are in fear). Some of these behaviors include withdrawal, withholding, and projection. Other ways this may show up are bullying and shutting others down for disturbing the status quo. Some defenses are loud and obvious, while others are quieter—such as withdrawal and withholding. 

Whenever any of these behaviors show up, they are almost always originating from a place of fear and an attempt to protect. We often fall into our adaptive patterns when there’s stress, conflict, or uncertainty. When we feel under threat or don’t feel safe, we resort to a whole range of behaviors that we used to cope with those feelings when we were younger.

Not only does this affect how we show up as individuals, but it also greatly influences how we are able to show up with others as part of a group. In fear-based leadership, we see a lack of relational and environmental awareness and less self-awareness in general. Folks won’t reveal their feelings and may not pause to parse them out. Other behaviors you may experience in fear-based cultures are scapegoating, caretaking, and a lack of direct and transparent communication.

Leadership that comes from love still has conflict and hard conversations and harder emotions such as anger. The major difference is there’s an emotional maturity that can humanely hold it all. 

Leading from love takes proactive cultivating. It takes tending to. It takes mindfulness. Here’s why: the evolution of the brain is such that the base level of the operating system is fight or flight (survival), which is where fear starts. All other levels of the brain were built on top of that, with love coming from the prefrontal cortex. Love, then, becomes accessible after traveling through the entire brain stack. Thus, if you react quickly, you react from lower in the brain stack (fear). If you can pause and be mindful by taking that space between stimulus and response, then your brain can get to love and respond from that place. That is potent growth.

Love means clear boundaries and knowing where you stand. It means knowing what you need and tending to your own well-being. It’s taking responsibility for your actions, your emotional regulation, and your projections. It’s knowing the difference between the subconscious self and the higher self, between the false self and the authentic self, and continually uncovering their many layers. (This is the self-awareness part!) Love is the freedom to be you, to speak your truth in a way that does not hurt others, and to consciously create your life by making choices that are fully integrated and aligned with your purpose and values. Living from love (vs. fear) is a good sign that you’re growing up. 

Love doesn’t mean being selfless to the point that you disappear. It means learning how to be fully you—not shrinking, not relying on your fears and insecurities, and not being shut down and invulnerable—so that you can show up to life, others, and issues as they meet you. It means speaking clearly, making clear commitments, and holding yourself accountable. 

Being able to access our whole brain allows us to respond versus react. This allows us to be present and listen generously, ask open honest questions, deliver and receive feedback, and not shy away from hard conversations.

Building on this, reflect on the following questions:

• What do you know about your adaptive patterns from childhood? What did love mean in your family of origin? Fill in the blank: In order to be loved or feel safety and belonging as a kid, I needed to __________________.
• What fears arise in you when it comes to your relationships? Where do you feel scared to say what you need to say or be who you are?
• What does love mean to you in the context of relationships? In the context of work?
• Describe relationships that you’ve been in that were equitable, unconditional, and in which you felt seen and heard. In what relationships do you feel loved and celebrated for who you are?
• How can you show up in ways that are not fear-based in your working life, in your work relationships, and in your leadership? Where might you need support? What might that support look like?